"You can see I have a pile of notes because we have such a communication backlog and that's why we're working on that issue in the forefront along with everything else that needs scrutiny, and why I'm conducting this orientation. Stay calm. Stay indoors. Help is bringing respiratory masks and protective suits and the other amenities so that you can proceed from that point on. Until we reach that point, you have to make some decisions about what's going on and what you're going to do about it, and then stick with those reactions which I'll be outlining today.

"First of all, the coordinated effort is on-going and composite. Inmates escaping on the Interstate, we are there. Looters and other criminals, we'll catch up to you. Carbon monoxide is an odorless, colorless gas, and many buildings are compromised – we are keeping an eye on this issue as well. So it's not just the radioactivity that's on everybody's minds. What you have to realize is that this is an incredibly fluent situation, no matter which direction you turn, which accounts for much of the vertigo action we're witnessing in retrospect, both pro and con. In the final analysis, just remember that it's all about bringing home the ducks. Sometimes you have to pull up your pants, tighten your belt, step up to the plate, and not take the beaner. You have to charge the mound. In the meantime our mission is to bring home every duck that we can – standing up if possible.

"One big self-made problem stranding dozens is how people react to unfolding events, now and historically. Yes, there have been incidents and yes, the Sheriff has made the operational decision not to deputize more volunteers. Let me just add that we've increased our incarceration capacity by 70%. Rest assured that our total safety mission commitment includes providing total safety for those who have not yet experienced the reestablishment of law and order. We've brought in trailers and erected electric fences. The rest is a matter of common sense, keeping away from the windows, and not projecting what you think on FEMA scholars and others in positions of high-up authority.

"How many of you have ever seen Beau Geste? (That's what I woke up thinking about last night.)

"Or another thing straight off: a small dose of radioactivity does not make you immune to a large dose. Reports of radiation parties being held in compromised buildings evinces ignorance and the plain bad judgement normally associated with youth. Radiation, although it can impair your immune system, is not a virus like the German measels or the Asian plague. And no, you cannot get high from streams of alpha particles! So if you get an invitation to attend one of these hot gatherings, relay to the person extending said invitation that you say no to radiation because you don't think it's cool. Or, should a clique or gang approach you, tell them that you think a mind is a terrible thing to turn into nuclear waste. This message needs to conquer the streets. If you're gifted with beats, please pitch us something. This could mean revenue, which means you wouldn't have to think of what you do with your Casio as just being a hobby.

"Another report we're picking up is people thinking or wondering: why do the inmates get water and food and the radiation protection when we don't get water and food and the other amenities? Well, it's because they are charges of the public and the people who are in the churches and other large dwellings of choice are not. Unfair? I can assure you that no one who knows what inmates get would want to eat it. It's not that someone spits in it, it's just not stuff you'd want to open up a can and see. Water is another issue, and it's the same thing with the suits and respiratory devices.

"Thinking about children and those who need medicine – let's get them to the next point of safety, where they can experience the amenities that they've been missing. Let's get them there. That's our task. We are, however, asking our volunteers not to go into some districts at this point. Before we engage volunteers in our overall task, they have to have some emergency training – and that includes emergency firearms training. Before deployal, you have to know that it's tedious, it's dangerous, and getting a volunteer suit and respiratory device and emergency firearm does not add up to carte blanche status. Girls? Sure. But what we don't need are a lot of volunteer people making more reports, and they tend to be the girls. Again, volunteers will receive nametag authorization, but the Sheriff's office no longer extends badges, so if that's your motivation be aware of this as well.

"I can assure you that we're working with computers and formulas and mapping devices – that's how, these days, you get gas masks and suits and the other amenities out to the people. Tomorrow we're going to start a new survey that should win us more ground. The problem is that a lot of this buckles behind you the moment you move on. That's why we're waiting until tomorrow with the new survey because this issue also needs to be self-addressed. Before I forget, remember that before reentering a structure, or entering one for the first time, you should always shower down your suit with soap – Fels Naptha heavy duty laundry bar soap if available. We've got plenty of it, and we're distributing tons of this amenity out there as well. Fels Naptha has been shown to work, which a lot of you probably remember from Scout camp and chiggers, the cold wade out a few feet into the lake for the abrasive scrub in the morning, and we're very grateful to the people at Fels Naptha for donating their large store of unused bars. I know that I'm personally going to be using this stuff well down the road from here.

"Evacuation? The best thing is to stay put where you are right now until other logistics can be worked out. Ice, forget it. Gasoline is another thing. But business partners have found water and are supplying it where they can at very little profit to themselves. We're grateful for that as well, although it's not entirely donated. If you are a hobby ham radio operator, please help us get this message out there into the hands of those who maybe have no other form of communication. O! People ask me what's the status of the citrus? The fallout just take the oranges away as well? We've got orange tree devastation out there on top of everything else? Well, duh! And don't eat the food from your gardens unless you're a fairly advanced senior. I just wanted to address that issue before it popped back out of my mind, and impress it on those who are wondering what's to eat, what not. (I haven't caught many winks either. Later, if time allows, I want to get back to me lying awake thinking about Beau Geste, the connections. But let me let this cat out of the bag right now: the Telly Savalas character speaks to our situation.) (Lord of the Flies in many ways also.)

"Music and missing school supplies and medical records, don't worry about that. That's our job. Library books not returned will not be labeled overdue. Such amnesties will help reestablish normality sooner. Just thinking aloud, it might take years before we can find out everything we can possibly access which may or may not include everything, and maybe the whole idea of a library system is out-dated. I would say, if you have a library book keep it. That's what I would do, but maybe I'm sticking my neck out here, so maybe it would be better to bring it back, but I want to impress on you that it's not a worry at this juncture of time. For now, simply picture your least favorite librarian telling you: "you have a holiday from all book penalites." Enjoy it for what it's worth and leave it at that.

"Getting back to the people who need medicine: we're setting up shelters. But that coalesces alternatives that don't look much better in the short-term. A shelter doesn't solve anything except now there's a shelter. First you have to get the people there. And if they need medicine than they need some type of certification that says so. We're working on that. It's the same thing for those people on payrolls. We hope that some process can be utilized by people who cannot find other alternatives, and that we can get it implemented without going through all the red tape these things normally require. I would suggest for now simply getting in your application. It can't hurt, and might get you to the front of the line once we offically 'squad up' – which is another key goal challenge phase we're extending anticipatory feelers towards even as I speak.

"Schools have declared vacation. We have worked closely and on-going with superintendents and misplaced children and parents and people needing medicine in those districts accessible to us, and they already know this. Let me give you one quick, clear example: if you send your children to school they are going to be greeted by stragglers in empty classrooms. Another issue is that when land values disappear, how will people get their hands on financial re-compensation? Remember that the federal and state governments are there for unfolded events exactly like these. We actually have new lists, some added by staff just today, and some within the last few hours, and we need that sort of help around the clock, not only in the property affected areas, but in every aspect of what we're undertaking. So we're also very hopeful about that as well.

"In this time of great turmoil one thing that has to happen is law and order has to be restored. This is perhaps the most vivid upwelling of non-law-and-order anyone would care to witness and why I keep returning to it. If you are committing crimes, we are looking for you, and we are ready to accept you into our system and teach you the old rules that you should have learned long ago from the business end of a belt. No expense will be spared until the criminals have been removed from the streets and placed in trailers behind electric fences. We have to win back the hearts and minds of a lot of people who are out there scared, disappointed, miserable, and that's the good deed we want to perform today, day after day, each and every day, until we get this situation alleviated. The third point I want to make is that our hospitals are under stress. That's bad, but the airport is open, planes are perhaps not landing, but they are flying away. We have an abridged system out there, but we are learning to deal with it, and that's not always easy and continually presents new on-going shortcomings and occasions for belligerence. I would like to make that a very big point and ask that people spread the word so that we can tackle this issue like we always have whenever anything like this arises, however rarely – if ever, as in the case of the unfolded events we're presently addressing.

"Was this event anticipated? The disaster is of such a magnitude, and not just here – who bothers to think like that? Who would occupy their beautiful minds with such heartache and flotsam and citrus devestation and everything else you can imagine? Over and over again, this is only what I can say – one: resolve of the criminal situation is paramount; two: electronic food stamp people and those with electronic access to medicine should have it by the end of next week; three: if you are in a hospital, transport looks promising, so don't complicate matters by moving from where you are; four: keep the kids out of the schools so that this disaster situation can assume a human face superintendents can intelligize; five: overdue penalties on library books have been waived for the present, and we're addressing the issue of people on payrolls; some more to five: if you are a homeowner and your property is no longer viable, because of the unfolded events, which I cannot reiterate enough, then fill out a application and get it in (I want to stress here that homeowner's insurance is not going to cover anything, because this qualifies as an act outside of coverage, and that's something only governments can make redeemable); six: a small dose of radioactivity does not make you immune to an overdose, so be sure to scrub with Fels Naptha any food that has come into contact with the great outdoors unless you are a fairly advanced senior and are desperate for nutrition.

"Again, the bombs were not thermonuclear, there was no mushroom cloud or other such attributable signs, so that's not the worry here. We are closely monitoring the radioactivity and we've monitored plenty of spikes but outside of the initial devastation they're not going to kill anyone short-term. The other thing to do is remain calm and indoors or in church or in public centers and lobbies if you've already proceeded to them. There's no plan up and ticking about when the electric grid will go back online, but we're working on that, and let's just be grateful that the events unfolded beneath balmy skies, and that the armory had so many emergency electric generators, which I think will silence a lot of pork barrel critics, and has kept loads of perishable foods from perishing. The news is not all bad! Another satisfactory thing I want to report is that we haven't seen anything approaching the anticipated police and fire department desertals a lot of us were picturing when thinking back. So when you see a public official please say "thank you" and give him or her a great big hug.

"This just handed to me: several ham-operators have radioed in that Telly Savalas did not appear in Beau Geste. Let me respond to this at once, because it clearly misses the point I wanted to make shortly, which would have been about the chain of events set off by the original mysterious theft. Because of it, at no fault to themselves other than sheer virtuousness, three brothers are sped by fate to the sands of the Sahara where they are placed in the hands of a sadistic actor (to my mind Telly Savalas). I don't want to spoil the ending for anybody, but it's nearly the same haunting scene as at the beginning, except now the corpses are no longer gratuitous and the sound of the bugle is lump-provoking because now you understand the subtrafuge of the lone brother who survives (not Peter O'Toole). This was the parallel I wanted to connect with, not who played what role or in this case who didn't.

"That understood, in summation, and I'll be winding up here: events proscribe impromptu provisos as they emerge. That's our agenda of working method, so I ask you to understand that and consider it before flying off the pan. I think I've already outlined everything we've accessed and assessed to this point, and we're working further, I can assure you, working to learn more, working to get the protection and amenities out to you, working to get the criminals behind electric fences, and we'll continue that course of action as capably as we can so stay indoors and stay calm and stay tuned – we'll get further orientation out to you the moment it coalesces. Thank you, that's all I have."

--Craig Reishus

The opinions expressed in "Column as you see 'em" are not necessarily Craig's.

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